Having said that, I’m sitting here last night playing channel jockey because I’ve managed to have the most wicked case of insomnia on the fucking planet in the last four days, and have watched everything I’ve TIVO’d… pffft. Anyway, I’m flipping through the channels and lo and behold, BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is on, which is one of my favorite movies, not because of the man candy, but because it’s really very well done, and it’s a poignant love story, and not being a homophobe, I can get totally behind anything that is a poignant love story no matter what, and the man candy is just gravy. So I flip to the channel and being about as punchy as a one legged man in an ass kickin’ contest I start to reminisce about the truly fuckin’ spectacularly fucked up and funny shit I did to me ex-fucktard when he was around, in that last year, and I had nothin’ better to occupy my time with than thinking of truly spectacularly fucked up shit to do to him, because by this time I was waaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy over it and him and wicked resentful that I had been the only responsible, adult in the relationship for the better part of who knows how long. Anyway, this particular incident is really just a very well played misunderstanding (snort) but I thought it was hysterically amusing… 
So, he leaves it to me to choose a movie, right around the time that Brokeback Mountain came out, and I of course wanted to go see this movie having read the short story. In my defense, truly the fucktard, knowing me like he did, shoulda really known better than to leave the movie picking to me, at that point was probably not a wise move, but what can I tell ya’, stupid is as stupid does… so I buy the tickets online, and over dinner at the restaurant right before the movie the conversation plays out a little like this:
FUCKTARD: So what are we seeing?
ME: Well - WAIT FOR IT – we’re seein’ a western… (snort).
FUCKTARD: Okay, cool.
ME: Yeah, it should be (snort).
FUCKTARD: Are you ready to go?
ME: Yep.
FUCKTARD: Let’s go.
So, we get to the theater and as I expected and hoped there are enough people in line that the fact that a good portion of them are MY GAYS is not really obvious if you don’t know why or what you’re lookin’ for.
So, you’re probably thinking why is this funny? Well, if you had known my ex-Fucktard, you’d know he was extremely homophobic, and if you know anything about Brokeback Mountain you know it’s rather explicit in certain scenes, although tastefully done by two amazing actors, who just happened to be straight and man candy, but I digress. If you read up, you should get the joke about the movie being a western (snort) and the fact he had no idea what he was in for…
Anyway, we’re watching the movie, and the heated, whispered conversation goes something like this:
FUCKTARD: What kind of movie did you say this was?
ME: It’s a western (snort) – also, the entire row behind us just about had a baby when they heard that crack, and it was everything I could do to not fall over into the aisle rolling around laughin’, and then even more heated…
FUCKTARD: This is not a western.
ME: Do you NOT see the two cowboys on the screen doing the dirty (snort)? DUH! (snort)
FUCKTARD: (A noise that sounded something like someone had grabbed his junk and pulled the whole thing up over his forehead) No fucking way!! Fuck this shit, I’ll be in the lobby.
ROW BEHIND US OF VERY WELL DRESSED GAY YOUNG MEN: (snort) (apoplectic laughter) Snap, oh no he didn’t (snort) (apoplectic laughter)!
ME: I was pretty much crying’ at this point I was laughin’ so hard…
Anyway, I thought we were all gonna stroke out… I LOVE MY GAYS…
Anyway, I finally composed myself after about 20 minutes or so, and started to collect my shit to leave, and one of the young men leans forward and the conversation goes something like this:
NICE GAY YOUNG MAN: Oh, honey, that was too much, you’re absolutely fabulous and he’s sooooo not…
ME: Well, thank you, I am fabulous and I’m pretty much done… enjoy the rest of the movie boys…
You know, I know it was a pretty awful thing to do, but in my defense, you really don’t know the back story and exactly why I was so pissed and resentful at that point, but suffice it to say I had spent the better part of the last 24 months of the relationship playing mother to his midlife crises that was manifesting itself in a second fuckin’ childhood, complete with long board shorts, van sneakers and dirty shirties (t-shirts with dirty sayings – I mean come on, you’re fucking 40 years old), add to that his wicked bad ADD which went in to warp speed (hormonal????) and the fact that I was convinced he was now suffering from bipolar, and you do the math what I was dealing with. I took care of him as long as I could, to the very best of my ability, but even those most benevolent among us, has her limits, and he took advantage at every opportunity, pushed me right to the limit, and then pushed me over – I was done…
Anyway, some people just can’t appreciate a good western…
wickedmoxie
Yeah, I dated my own homophobic fucktard. He loved calling his friends “gay” and certain clothes or movies or behaviour “gay”. However when I merely suggested that he seemed to like his ass tickled … well, you should have seen his face. You would have thought I suggested a three-way with his mother.
LMAO, you know, it’s just sad when people are so closed minded about things… to each his or her own…
lmfao- that’s pretty classic haha- good thinking>D
Yeah I thought so, and apparently the gays that I was fabulous, all in all it was a good night in spite of not being able to see the whole movie…
I know, I know, there’s a special, little, extra toasty spot just for me in hell, but in truth, I’m hopin’ that the devil figures out that he’d be totally fucked having me in residence and so won’t take me, LMAO…
Ok.. I’ll throw my homophobic fucktard ex in the ring, too.
No.. really.. I’ll just throw him and call it a day!
I loved the whole justification that he didn’t like gay guys because they would hit on him .. I was like, “.. um, but you’re really NOT that hot.” His response was, “.. how the hell would you know” and I be all ,”.. because gay guys have WAY better taste then I do!!”
LMAO, just like a fucktard… LOL…
Absolutely classic! I’d have loved to do this to the ex-turd, he’s the same way. Certain cars are gay, certain clothes are gay…it was way irritating. Oh I’m still laughing!
Well, glad you’re laughing, please do pass it along via twatter or trixter or whatever that thingy is you mentioned, so other people can enjoy the funny… LOL…
Hilarious. The board shorts should’ve been your first red flag. LMAO at “seeing a Western.” That’s awesome
Oh girl, if you found it amusing, then you need to refer people to my blog and rate it… LOL… as for the board shorts, those didn’t get ridiculous until after the 40th b-day, that’s when he lost his fucking mind… pffft…
That is absolute genius! I only wish I had that kind of nerve sometimes.
I have to visit when I have a few hours to spend reading!
Oh you’re sweet. Please do come back and read the rest, and make sure you rate everything, comment on everything and then send all your friends over to the same thing… LOL…
Hope you had a great Thanksgiving, and stay tuned for more… 
This was absolutly brilliant. I love your blog, I wish I had the balls to do what you do sometimes.
You’re really sweet, I’ve been really busy the last few months with my businesses and certification exams, so I have not had the time to blog, let alone do much else, but I’ve finally gotten over that hump and plan to come back and blog at least once or twice a week. I hope to see all of you around the blog and I hope everyone is doing really well. Huggies, Suz a.k. Sami…
Oh keep coming back for more, the list is endless…
I’ve just been a little crazed of late and have not had the time to post… 
Send your friends too… LOL…