Okay, so I rate my movies and television programs by what I’ve come to call The Cheezewhiz Meter… in brief, movies and television programs get a rating that can range from a “10th Level of Hell” score or TOTAL Cheezewhiz, to a “OMG THAT WAS AWESOME” which is more like a really nicely, aged Brie…
In any event, I’m sitting here watching yet one more movie based on the 12-21-2012 Mayan prophecy of the apocalypse, with Dale Midkiff, Amy Dolenz, and a variety of other B actors I’ve never seen before, and I’m thinking to myself in the first 15 minutes, “well, shit, this is gonna be 90 minutes of my life I’ll never get back but what the hell” given that I still have work to do tonight, and need some time to turn my brain off and spud out before I even try to finish that. No before I go on to riff this particularly movie within an inch of its ridiculous life, I have to say Amy Dolenz looks just like Mickey, sadly has none of the talent as far as I can see… pfffft… Dale Midkiff, you know he’s an odd duck in my book because I’ve always found him attractive, but he’s clearly far better off just standing there looking pretty than trying to really stretch his acting chops because he just does not really have them to stretch.
So having said that on to the review of 2012: The End Of The World. Okay, for starters, LMAO at the title, but I don’t think it was meant to be funny. This movie is a freakin’ riot, in spectacular, Cheezywhiz fashion. Whoever wrote this, was not only drinking the Kool-Aid, but they were mainlining it, along with the Elmer’s… and yet, they managed to get produced and made into a movie, which calls in to question what criteria some production companies are using to in development of treatments but that’s a blog for another day. Anyways, whoever wrote this movie pulled out the Good Book, dusted it off, turned to Revelations and pretty much wrote characters around each entry, and not really in a good way… every cliche is trotted out IN ORDER, and if you’re not Christian or Catholic, basically Revelations are all the Brimstone warnings about what the Apocalypse is gonna be like when God really gets fed up with our shit, and decides to pull the plug on the whole mess. However, Revelations happen in a certain order, and I’ll be damned if this movie is not unfolding in the same way as Revelations was written. It’s actually astonishing, because I’m sitting here in riotous laughing fits, but having flashbacks to parochial school and the nuns, so it’s making me rather twitchy because I haven’t had scary nightmares of Sister Mary Whatsherface since I was 12 and I get the feeling I might have one tonight. ACK. In any event, I’ll say this much for the writers and producers of this flick, in typical B movie fashion, there has to be some gratuitous T&A, and the chick they got playing the part of the Mayan’s version of the Virgin Mary, has a really bad boob job, not that you can see her boobs anywhere but through the dress she’s wearing but for fuck sake, if your boobs are hovering around your clavicle, you got a problem – FYI chickie no matter what the Tijuana, bargain basement doctor who did them tells you, they are most certainly NOT supposed to be up that high… if you’re jumping rope or jogging and they can literally bounce up and knock you out cold from blunt force head trauma THEY ARE UP TOO HIGH!!!!!!!!!!
RATING: CHEEZIEST OF WHIZ
Redeeming Quality: Anyone who has been to parochial school will get a good laugh revisiting some of the best written parts of the Bible that probably were fodder for many a sleepless night when you actually were too young to interpret it all any other way but verbatim. Also, I got a good long laugh when my surround sound kicked in and scared the HUA HUA out of Freeway my Chi… I keep forgetting how small this house is compared to the other place, I’m betting you could hear the surround sound three zipcodes over… pffft…
For the benefit of those you your reading who are not Christian, Catholic or have the Bible handy to read Revelations, let me give you some of the highlights of this movie:
1. California is the first place to go. This particular part is not exactly in Revelations, per se, but apparently the Almighty hates California as much as the rest of us do (I live in California and even I’m over it), so in typical B movie fashion, California is sinking into the ocean AFTER it gets torn asunder by a massive earthquake (no irony there) AND gets set on fire. Very imaginative, not so much… pffft.
2. Its snowing in the middle of summer? Again, I don’t believe this is exactly, per se, in Revelations, but in the big scheme of catastrophes I guess this is right up there with #1.
3. The earth has abruptly stopped rotating on its axis. Again, not exactly in Revelations, but I’m thinkin’ that if that were to happen, #1 and #2 wouldn’t be too far behind.
4. The Rapture. Suddenly half the B roll cast disappears 3/4 of the way into the movie, THIS is in the Bible and presumably God is going to Rapture (take to heaven any and all who he deems worthy to be there for varied reasons) and the rest of us get to take our chances with the Big Bad that is Lucifer and deal with famine, pestilence, and assorted nasty shit his coming will unleash on the planet… hmmm… you know maybe this already happened and the whole dating experience is part of the nasty shit because I got left behind??? Well fuck… you know I can deal with pestilence and everything else but messin’ around with my dating life, is just not cool…
There are other things this movie trotted out and made a spectacle of, but my surround sound just freaked out Freeway again and I need to go peel his little bits off the ceiling… poor baby is gonna have a permanent tic at the rate we’re going…
wickedmoxie
“Nicely done! It appears as if you have seized the truehearted heart and soul of the position for the moment. While others appear to have dropped the grand detail of the whole thing, that which is submitted before is uncontaminated and right on the nose. I am not supposing that I agree along every one of the items; still, you did granted me cause to reconsider many of the tips that I recalled that I held as single-minded opinions in that attentivenesses. Convincingly expressed, and now for someone like me to ponder a wee bit more connected to some of the outstanding items. In summary, I have to think it is clear that you have have added a little thoght to the World.”